When a sibling has died

Many bereaved siblings describe a strange feeling of disappearing. The grown-ups are so undone by losing a child that they sometimes don’t see the other children in the room. None of this is conscious — it’s the depth of the wound — but the surviving sibling absorbs it.

Find five minutes a day that is theirs. Not “let’s talk about your brother.” Just five minutes that say: I see you. You are here. I love you. The smallness of it is the point.

They may feel guilty for being alive, for laughing, for outgrowing their sibling, for fighting with them when they were here. Tell them it’s normal. Tell them they are allowed to keep living. That is not forgetting.

Bereaved siblings often feel pressure — spoken or not — to be everything their lost sibling was, or to make up for them. Let them be exactly themselves. Their job is to be them, not to fill someone else’s shoes.

A grief group for bereaved children can be a lifeline — being in a room with other kids who have a sibling who died is one of the most healing things there is. Feel the Magic, Canteen and many local services run these.