Telling people what you need
Scripts for guiding family and friends through your grief.
People around you want to help — but they often don't know how. Some avoid you. Some say the wrong thing. Some hover. Most are just terrified of making it worse. These scripts give you words to tell them what you actually need.
Setting the tone
The general message
Sometimes it helps to send one message to the people closest to you, setting the ground rules gently. You can text this, email it, or ask someone else to pass it on.
You might say:
“I know this is hard for everyone, not just me. I want you to know a few things that would help:”
“Please don't avoid me. Even if you don't know what to say, just being there is enough.”
“You don't need to fix this or cheer me up. I just need to know you're around.”
“If I go quiet, it's not because I don't want to hear from you. Please keep texting. I'll reply when I can.”
Tap to select.
What not to say (and what to say instead)
You can share this with people — or just keep it in your back pocket for when someone says something that makes you wince.
- Instead of "They're in a better place" → "I'm so sorry. I'm here."
- Instead of "Everything happens for a reason" → "This is so unfair."
- Instead of "At least they're not suffering" → "I know how much you miss them."
- Instead of "You're so strong" → "You don't have to be strong right now."
- Instead of "Let me know if you need anything" → "I'm bringing dinner Tuesday. Is pasta ok?"
- Instead of changing the subject → Just listen. Silence is fine.
Specific situations
When people avoid you
Some friends and family will pull away — not because they don't care, but because they're scared of saying the wrong thing. If you want them back, you may need to open the door.
You could say:
“I've noticed we haven't talked much since [name] died. I get it — it's awkward and no one knows what to say.”
“You don't need to have the right words. I just miss talking to you.”
“If you're avoiding me because you don't want to upset me — I'm already upset. Your company actually helps.”
Tap to select.
When people won't mention them
One of the most painful things after a death is when people stop saying their name — as if mentioning them will make it worse. It doesn't. The silence is what hurts.
You could say:
“I know people are being careful around me, but I want you to know — you can say [name]'s name.”
“Hearing stories about them makes me feel better, not worse.”
“Please don't stop talking about them. They existed. They mattered.”
Tap to select.
When you need space
Sometimes the visits, the calls, the constant "checking in" is too much. You're allowed to set a boundary.
You could say:
“I really appreciate you checking in. Right now I need a few days of quiet.”
“I'm not ready for visitors yet. A text is perfect — I'll reply when I can.”
“I love you for trying, but today I just need to sit with this on my own.”
Tap to select.
Telling people how to actually help
"Let me know if you need anything" is well-meaning but hard to answer when your brain isn't working. Try telling people specifically what helps.
Practical requests:
“Could you pick up the kids from school on Wednesday?”
“Could you come sit with me this weekend? We don't have to talk.”
“Could you help me sort through the paperwork? I can't face it alone.”
“Could you just text me every few days? I don't have to reply, I just want to know someone's thinking of me.”
“Could you come with me to [appointment/funeral home/lawyer]? I need someone next to me.”
Tap to select.
See all 64 guides in Grief & healing →
From bluetulipco.com/library/grief/script-guiding-others — printed 1 October 2026.
General information only — not a substitute for legal, medical, financial, or therapeutic advice. Read the full disclaimer.
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