Losing a parent

You may find yourself, like many adults grieving a parent, with a strange childlike feeling — wanting to be looked after, wanting to ring them, reaching for the phone before remembering. That isn’t regression. It’s a body remembering who held it first.

When a parent dies, you may shift up a generation in your own family. Your children may look to you differently. The Christmas table may look different. The “grown-ups” are now you.

This is its own kind of loss. It deserves its own grief, separate from the grief for the person.

Recipes. Family stories. The name of that street you lived on as a kid. How they got through whatever you’re going through now. Many bereaved adults say it’s the small unanswered questions that can bring the sharpest waves.

If your parent was difficult, distant, abusive or estranged, your grief is real and it is more complicated, not less. You may grieve the parent you had, the parent you wished you’d had, and the chance for things to ever be different — all at once.

There is nothing wrong with you for feeling relief alongside grief, or sadness alongside anger. A counsellor who understands estranged grief can help you find your way through this.

These can ambush you for years. The shops fill up with cards weeks in advance. If it helps, plan a soft landing for these days — somewhere quiet to be, someone gentle to be with.