Clearing their belongings

There is no rule about when to clear a loved one's belongings. Some people start in the first week because the presence of the things is too painful. Others don't touch the wardrobe for two years. Both are normal. Both are grief.

The only thing worth doing quickly is securing valuables and important documents. Everything else can wait.

If it helps, ask one or two people to be with you — a friend, a sibling, a cousin. Not to rush you, and not to make decisions for you. Just to hold the space. Have tissues, music, and something to eat nearby.

• Keep — things you can't bear to part with. There is no limit on this pile.
• Give — things someone specific would love to have. A grandchild, a friend, a colleague.
• Decide later — the things you're not sure about. Box them, label them, put them in a cupboard. You can come back in six months.

Many bereaved people describe the smell of their loved one as one of the most precious and most painful things. If you want to keep it: seal an unwashed shirt or pillowcase in a ziplock bag. The smell lasts much longer that way. A small bottle of their perfume or aftershave can also help.

When you're ready, charity shops, op shops and community centres are usually grateful. Some families prefer a specific charity connected to the person's life or illness. Others just want it out, fast, no ceremony. All approaches are valid.