Losing a child

For many people, the loss of a child feels different from any other loss. It is not “worse than” other griefs, because grief is not a competition — but it is its own thing, and it asks for its own kind of room.

You may find that some friends fall away because they don’t know what to say. Others — sometimes unexpected ones — will stay close. Both are normal.

Many bereaved parents say the most healing thing was meeting other bereaved parents. The Compassionate Friends has been holding this space in Australia for over fifty years.

“At least…”, “They’re in a better place”, “Everything happens for a reason”, “You’re so strong”, “You can have another one.” People mean well. Many of them say the wrong thing because grief frightens them.

You don’t have to educate anyone in the moment. “Thank you” is enough. So is silence. So is leaving the room.

If you are grieving alongside a partner, co-parent, or family member, you may find you grieve in completely opposite ways. One cries openly, one goes silent. One wants to talk constantly, one cannot bear to. Neither is wrong.

This difference can put real strain on a relationship. A grief counsellor experienced in child loss can help you both find ways to grieve alongside each other without needing to grieve the same way.

Surviving siblings often grieve quietly so as not to add to their parents’ pain. They may hide their feelings, become anxious, act out, or try to be “the good one.” Their grief needs to be seen too — and ideally, they have their own support, separate from yours.

For many people, the loss of a child does not get smaller. People who have lived with it for many years often say that — slowly, with help — they grew larger around it. The loss stays the same. The life around it gentles.